


My Luck Could Change

by Queenie_004



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Jealousy, Kissing in the Rain, Love Triangles, Male Friendship, Mild Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-04
Updated: 2018-05-04
Packaged: 2019-05-01 22:56:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14531166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queenie_004/pseuds/Queenie_004
Summary: "He likes her more than he’s ever liked any other girl before. She’s funny and loud and clever and opinionated. He likes the curves of her body and her impeccable taste in music. He finds her maddening and charming and a bit mysterious. He thinks about her all the time and works out ways to be near her and constantly fights urges to touch her and his words declaring this all tumble about his head unable to ever be spoken out loud. She’s dating his best mate and it’s gutting him. He thinks it may be more than that, he thinks he might be in love with her. Yeah, he’s pretty sure he’s in love with her. And she’s in love with Archie. Fuck."Like all writers I crave feedback! Please share in the comments if you have any and thank you for reading!





	My Luck Could Change

He likes her more than he’s ever liked any other girl before. She’s funny and loud and clever and opinionated. He likes the curves of her body and her impeccable taste in music. He finds her maddening and charming and a bit mysterious. He thinks about her all the time and works out ways to be near her and constantly fights urges to touch her and his words declaring this all tumble about his head unable to ever be spoken out loud.

She’s dating his best mate and it’s gutting him.

He thinks it may be more than that, he thinks he might be in love with her. Yeah, he’s pretty sure he’s in love with her. And she’s in love with Archie. Fuck.

***

Their heads are bent together whispering and giggling and he’s trying to ignore it but it’s hard when Izzy keeps chirping, “Aahhh look at ‘em! Who would have thought we’d ever see our Archie so happy?” Finn can’t glare at sweet little Izzy so he shoves the words he wants to say back down his throat by gulping his beer and grunting. What he wants to say is that this whole thing is bollocks because Archie is gay. Right? They all know this! Don’t they? He wants them to all know it because then someone else would challenge Arch on what the fuck he’s doing with Rae with this doting boyfriend bullshit. Finn knows, he knows because Archie told him when they were 14 and taking advantage of Archie’s parents being out for the night by lifting spirits from their cupboard and getting drunk in Archie’s room. He’s gone over that revelation many times because he knows it happened, but they never talked about it ever again so other times he isn’t quite sure it did.

“I’m gay” Archie had said out of nowhere as they lay on the floor together head to head letting their minds swim with the drink. In the silence that followed Finn had replied, “I thought you liked Lizzie Edwards?” and Archie had said he was only pretending to because everyone else in their year fancied a girl so he’d picked her so no one would know the truth. Even drunk Finn thought this was a little cruel because they’d grown up with Lizzie and she was very nice and cute and blushed every time Archie passed her and squeaked out a hello. But he was 14 and drunk and didn’t know his way around girls even though they followed him about all the time. So he just said, “Well, good on ya Archie. Ya don’t fancy me, do ya?” and he laughed and Archie just groaned and said, “Don’t flatter yourself Nelson” and had knocked him on the head and they’d cracked up and passed out and that was the only time it ever came up.

But now Finn wants it to come up again. Badly. He does not want to expose his friend but he suspects Archie is doing to Rae what he did to Lizzie—leading her on as a cover to keep his secret. If he thought it was cruel before he thinks it’s downright diabolical now. This stunning girl who showed up in their lives out of nowhere and turned everything upside down doesn’t deserve to be lied to. She deserves better and he wants to give it to her, give her everything and he’s never felt this before and it both terrifies and delights him and it’s at war with the guilt over his love for Archie and protecting him. Finn just wants to start over when they first met Rae and he would be nice to her instead of a dick and flirt a little and she would pick him over Archie who had flashed a smile and warmly accepted her right away. He thinks about that moment far too often and yet, here they are all these months later with Archie and Rae in their little love nest while Finn broods at them silently across the table.

***

He needs to talk to someone about this but he has no idea who. Normally it would be Archie but obviously that is not an option. Chop’s knowledge of girls is laughable at best and Izzy and Chloe are Rae’s confidants. He does try with Chloe one night when they are seated next to each other at the chippy and the rest are distracted. “What do ya do if you know someone has a secret, and you hafta keep the secret, but they’re doin’ sumthin’ kind of crap to someone because of the secret?” Chloe fixed him with a stare, “Who has a secret?” And Finn realized this had been a mistake. “My uh…my cousin he’s in Leeds.” She narrowed her eyes, “what’s the secret then?” Finn mumbled and lied and prayed for a distraction which came when Chop started sing-songing “Rae and Archibald sittin’ in a tree…” and when he looked up Archie had his arm around Rae and Rae was laughing and trying to grab hold of Chop to shut him up, “k-i-s-s-i…” Finn stood up too fast and everyone stopped and glanced at him, “I gotta go. Cheers” he sputtered and when he got around the corner he pressed himself against the wall and softly banged the back of his head into it.

So he tries his dad. He can talk to his dad about a lot of things and hopes there’s a way to tell him that doesn’t involve spilling the beans about Archie. But he’s had it bottled up for so long it comes pouring out of him. His dad looks at him and then goes and gets two beers out of the fridge. They drink silently and his dad says, “You’re right, what Archie is doing isn’t right. But you’re also right in that you can’t tell her what he’s doing.” Finn groans because he’s never, ever right so why does he have to be about _this_? “I think you need to talk to Archie.” Finn puts his elbows on the table and rests his head in his hands, “I can’t tell my best mate that I fancy his girl.” His dad is silent, “right? Dad?”

***

He does not take his dad’s advice and talk to Archie because things start getting weird with Archie and Rae and Finn watches it all carefully. First he and Arch are at the park playing footie with friends from college and Rae shows up. She’s hanging back a bit but Finn is so excited to see her he gives a huge wave and is immediately self-conscious about it even though she waves back with a big smile. He looks around and spots Archie but Archie doesn’t look up either at Finn, or at Rae. In fact Arch seems to be avoiding looking in Rae’s direction at all. They keep playing but Finn is playing shit because he can’t stop watching Archie ignore his girlfriend. He steals glances towards her and can see her body reacting to the snub, her shoulders are slumping and even from a distance he can see her expression is hurt. It makes him furious and even though he and Archie are on the same team he starts playing rough against him—smashing into him and even tossing an off sides ball back in right at his head. “OI! I’m on YOUR team mate!” Archie shouts as he ducks the ball and their teammates laugh and Finn snaps his head to look if Rae saw it but she’s left the pitch and later when Archie comes over and says “what the hell is wrong with you?” Finn snarls, “Ya seein’ Rae today?” and Archie’s face freezes for a minute then he looks off, “Uh, yeah maybe” and Finn wants to chuck his empty water bottle into his face.

A few nights later they are all at the pub except for Archie. He’s supposed to meet them but he hasn’t showed. And he continues not to show and Rae and the girls scurry off and Finn can’t roll his cigarettes because he’s so angry his hands are nearly shaking. He goes over to the phone and hesitates about calling Archie’s house. As he stands there trying to decide the girls come out of the toilets and Rae looks like she’s been crying and Finn slams the phone into the receiver and demands, “What’s wrong?” “Ah it’s just Arch stood Rae up, that’s all” Chloe says, “That’s ALL?” Finn barks and they all look at him wide eyed. “They were meetin’ here for a date,” Izzy adds. Rae looks off to the door and mumbles, “I’m just gonna go home.” “I’ll take you” Finn blurts and again the wide eyes all watch him. “I got my bike and it’s late, c’mon Rae” he takes her hand and leads her back to the table to grab their stuff. Her hand feels so good in his he doesn’t want to let it go and when they get on his bike and she puts her arms around his waist, he doesn’t want her to let go. When they get near her street she taps him to stop so her mum doesn’t see her getting home on his bike. She pulls the helmet off and she still looks so sad he wishes he could hold her and smooth his hands over her back, tell her that she’s brilliant and Archie doesn’t deserve her. But he knows he can’t. “Look, Rae” She peers up at him with those eyes, he wants to get lost in those eyes as long as he’s making a list of Things About Rae Earl He Can’t Have. “I’m sorry he ruined yer night. That was real shit of him not to show up.” She sniffles and looks away, “I just don’t know…” she starts but stops herself, “What?” he asks softly, “I just don’t know why he’s gone off me” she whispers and Finn can’t help it as he reaches out and cups her face in his palms she looks surprised and he uses every muscle in his body to keep himself from kissing her senseless next to the rubbish bins on her corner. “He’s an idiot Rae. A huge fucking idiot” She smiles a little and it lights up his whole soul. He knows he should release her but he just wants a few more moments of this, alone with her and touching her, hoping that she can see through his words and body language how very much he wants her. But then a bloody dog starts barking and the moment is over and he lets go and she makes a nervous sigh and thanks him for the ride and turns towards home. He watches her until she’s out of sight and then he guns his engine towards Archie’s house.

***

Several pebble throws later Archie finally opens his window and whispers “What in the fuck Finn??” “Get down ‘ere” Finn hisses, “Now.” He’s pacing in front of Archie’s house where he has spent hours of his life watching football, playing video games and listening to music when they were supposed to be studying. He thought he knew his friend but right now he feels like he doesn’t at all. Archie finally comes down and out the door and Finn can’t stop himself from getting right up in his face. “Where were ya tonight?” Archie steps back and he isn’t looking Finn in the eye, “I was…I got busy and couldn’t come.” “Ya got busy. And couldn’t come.” Finn repeats. “Rae was waitin’ on ya, for yer date.” Archie shifts nervously and pushes his spectacles back up. “Yeah, I know” he sighs. “Whatcha doin’ Arch? Yer messin’ with this girl’s head and breakin’ her heart and you can’t do that, right” Archie mumbles something and Finn gets closer. “Is this even real?” Archie looks right at him then, “what’s that supposed to mean?” They stare at each other for a long second, “you know” Finn says quietly, “I wasn’t _that_ drunk Arch. I remember what ya told me.” Archie’s face sets into one that Finn recognizes from when they were kids and would argue over something silly, but there’s nothing silly about this at all. “She’s my girlfriend and how I feel about her is none of your fucking business.” Archie says defiantly, “and since when are you so invested in Rae’s feelings?” Finn is startled and steps back shaking his head, “fix it mate, fix it with her tomorrow.” He heads to his bike and as he’s getting his helmet Archie says, “Guess we all have secrets Finn.” 

***

Clearly Archie fixes it because the next few days they seem to be back on and as they walk ahead of Finn holding hands he feels like he opened a wound himself _and_ poured the salt in. But the truth is that as much as he can’t stand them dating, he also fears the alternative which is them breaking up and Rae disappearing from their group and from his life. So he suffers by being more surly than usual while he pines for a girl he can’t have and tries not to out his friend who is making a right mess out of all their lives for reasons Finn can’t understand.

***

It’s pouring rain so his dad made him take the car instead of his bike and as he’s driving towards home he sees a figure walking down the street. He slows because he’s sure it’s Rae although he doesn’t know why she’d be over this way, her house is the opposite direction. He gets closer and it is her and she is completely drenched. “Rae!” he yells pulling over and rolling down the window, “Get in the car!” But she keeps walking as if she hasn’t heard him. He calls again and he’s getting wet just with the window down but it’s as if she’s in a trance. He parks and dashes out jumping in front of her, “What’s the matter with you girl? C’mere I’ll give you a ride” and he ushers her to the other side and opens the door and she gets in without a word. Almost as soon as he pulls the door shut the rain starts coming down in sheets, “Bloody hell” he mutters, “Good thing I got ya, ay?” But she’s still just staring ahead silently and he’s getting a little freaked out. “Ya a’right Rae? Where ya goin’ anyway?” She looks cold and he starts nervously narrating while he’s turning on the heat and putting the brake on. He would like to wrap his arms around her and warm her with his body heat so he does the next closest thing, which is shrug off his jacket and maneuver it around her shoulders. “Here, let that warm ya, yeah?” he says and as he reaches around her he can see there are little droplets on her eyelashes and it’s the cutest goddamn thing he’s ever seen in his entire life. He brushes her damp hair back from her face and rubs her shoulder and he realizes he’s fussing like his Nan used to do when he was ill but he just wants to take care of her, it feels really good to be taking care of her.

“I was comin’ to see ya,” she says and her voice is strangely quiet. His heart thumps hard at this because he’s trying to imagine how he would have held it together if he’d opened the door to her with her wet clothes clinging to the curves and swells of her body. “I want you to tell me why Archie won’t have sex with me.” She turns suddenly to face him and he is startled not just at the question, but because his mind was still wrapping itself around the image of Wet Rae in his house and what he would have done about that. His mouth gapes open and he can’t seem to find a word, any word to say other than, “Uhhh” But she keeps going, “he’ll kiss me, but only for a little bit and then he just wants ‘to cuddle’” she makes quotation marks with her fingers and her eyes look like something has sparked in them, “he doesn’t care about my tits, he’s fingered me twice—ok not twice, it was almost four but his mum came home early.” Finn is frozen in horror because he really does not want to hear this, if he could shove his fingers in his ears and start screaming like a child without her thinking he was mad he would absolutely do it. “And forget going down on me, that will never fucking happen and speaking of FUCKING” her voice goes up and she’s not going to stop no matter how much Finn wants her to, “THAT is about as realistic a dream as me becoming a supermodel!!” He has no idea what to say because his mind is racing in a thousand directions. Because this whole time he wondered if they were sleeping together and it was keeping him up at night and now, well now they haven’t and he feels a jolt of relief. “You’re his best mate, so you tell me, what is it? Is it ‘cause I’m fat? ‘Cause I’m loud and don’t dress in sexy little tops like Chloe and I’m not cute and dainty like Izzy? ‘Cause I don’t giggle and think everythin’ he says is clever and hilarious?” He shakes his head violently because he can’t believe she thinks these things, he can’t believe bloody Archie is _making_ her think these things about herself because he can’t be honest with her. “Shut up Rae!” he sputters and she snaps her head back at his words, “That’s all—it’s all bollocks that, thinking there’s somethin’ wrong with ya. There’s nothin’ wrong with ya. _Nothin’_ ” as she watches him he thinks he should probably stop talking before something more comes out—“Archie is a dickhead and he doesn’t deserve you. You deserve so much more”—something like _that._

The rain is still showering down like they are inside in a waterfall and the heat is blowing warmth around them and it feels like they are in some sort of secret spot that no one else can see. She studies him quietly and he stares at her hands on her lap because he’s not sure he can look her in the eye right now and not blurt out more or even worse, kiss her. “What do I deserve?” she asks and her voice is softer now than when she was ranting. He knows he should just say that she deserves to be happy and then turn the wipers on full blast and take her home but in this little cocoon he feels like whatever he says will never leave this space so maybe it’s okay to lay his cards out on the table, or the dash as the case may be. “You deserve,” he starts as he reaches for her hand, “to be touched all the time” he opens her palm and drifts his fingertips over her soft skin, “anytime you want, anywhere you want.” He hears her breath catch and he dares to let his thumb slip in under her sleeve and massage her inner wrist with just a slight bit of pressure. “You deserve to hear how funny you are, and how smart” he moves to take her other hand and plays with her fingers, “and how beautiful—‘cause you’re so beautiful Rae, I can’t believe ya don’t know that.” _That he doesn’t tell you that_ —is what he thinks. He hears a little noise catch in her throat but she’s not pulling away or shouting at him and he can’t stop himself from going on, the only thing that can stop him is her telling him to. And she’s not. “You deserve to feel so good,” his eyes drop to the tops of her thighs and he imagines his hands going up her skirt to find the edge of her tights, “feel wanted” he’s watching his hands travel up her arms and she shivers but she’s not cold anymore because he can feel warmth from her skin, “feel like the center of the whole damn universe.” He finally lets his eyes meet hers and they are shiny and wide and her lips are parted and she’s blushing and he thinks she has never looked prettier than she does right now. He moves his hands to brush against her neck and lets his fingers tangle up in her hair as he holds her face in his palms. “You deserve to be kissed” and he leans in to her, “like this.”

***

She is an even better kisser than he fantasized about which is insane because he has fantasized about it a _lot_. He should stop kissing her. She is his best mate’s girlfriend and she’s his friend and he should stop but he doesn’t and she doesn’t either. In fact when he breaks the kiss to catch a breath and reluctantly mutters, “we can’t do this” she’s the one who slips her fingers around his collar pulling him back to her mouth murmuring, “yeah, we should definitely stop” in the sexiest voice he’s ever heard before sliding her tongue against his in a way that makes him groan straight from his cock. She is soft and hungry and now that he’s had a taste of her he can’t deny he wants more, he’ll lose his fucking mind now if he doesn’t get the chance to do all the things to her that he won’t, all the things she wants and right now feels like she wants from _him_. He slides a hand down to one of her breasts and feels it and she shudders and moans against his mouth and so he lets himself touch her how she wants to be touched, how she’s urging him to touch her with her mouth and her noises and the way her hands are on him making demands.

They keep kissing and he wants to taste so much more of her, his hand tilts her head back so he can nuzzle and lick along her neck and at her earlobe. This is so, so fucking wrong and somewhere deep inside is a voice buzzing that he is a shit friend and this is all going to end badly but he’s completely possessed by her and another voice is cheering him on for getting what he’s wanted so desperately. “Oh GOD” she groans and he pauses in mid bite at her throat thinking that she’s come to her senses well before he has. “No don’t stop!” is what she says next and he has an overwhelming urge to pull her into the back seat and let this go as far as they both want it to. Or take her home and sneak her up to his room and into his bed and not leave for days until he’s pleased her in a hundred different ways.

But the rain is slowing and light is starting to seep through the steamy car windows. His face is tantalizingly close to her tits and her hands have pulled the hem of his shirt up where he is sure she has left scratch marks on his bare back. They both loosen their grips and he looks up and she looks so fucking turned on as she breathes, “What, was _that_?” He doesn’t know how to answer her, admitting he loves her seems like adding fuel to what is already a raging fire. “I know…I know I shouldn’t ‘ave done that” he fumbles and her face falls, “But I’m not sorry” he adds, “I should be and I kinda am but I’ve wanted to do that for a long time.” She raises her eyebrows in surprise, “You? You’ve wanted to kiss me?” He nods his head, “For how long?” But he doesn’t think he should answer because it would reveal everything. “You just practically made me come in the front seat of this car fully dressed Finn Nelson, so don’t act like you don’t have it in you to answer me.” He sighs and squints out the windshield before he answers, “Since you played ‘Sabotage’.” Her eyes go wide, “since then? And why didn’t you say anythin’ or try anythin’?” He takes a breath and says his name, “because of Archie.”

***

“He’s gay, isn’t he?” she asks as they get close to her street. The sun has come out and everything looks dazzling in the wet. He is silent because he knows he absolutely cannot answer this question without putting his friendship with Archie into an even worse spot than it’s already about to be in. “It’s just that…” she blows out a big breath, “that what we just did, that’s what it should feel like, right? When you kiss someone. It should feel like that and when I kiss him, it doesn’t.” He stops where he knows she prefers to get out and asks what he’s dying to know: “what did it feel like?” She licks her lips and exhales slowly, “it felt like my skin was on fire and that my insides were vibrating. It felt like I was beautiful and wanted and…” she looks him right in the eye, “loved.” He nods his head and under his breath admits to it all, “you are.”

***

He watched her head up the lane to her house and after she turned and waved and went around the corner he backed up and drove to Archie’s house to get it over with. In his bedroom they faced each other uneasily as Finn told him the truth: “I kissed your girl mate. It was a bit more than a kiss, more like, a lot of kisses, and” he falters “other stuff—but _not_ what you think.” Archie’s expression has not changed since he started talking. “And I’m a shit mate and I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I did that to ya but it’s hard to say sorry for doin’ it.” May as well be as honest as possible. “Do you fancy her?” Archie asks and Finn nods yes but then shakes his head no. “It’s more than that now. I’m sorry mate. You can hit me if you wanna” Finn opens his arms to give him a spot to land his fist but instead Archie rushes into them and clutches him in a hug. Finn puts his arms around him but he is not sure what is going on until he feels Archie shuddering and he hears a choked wail.” “I’ve fucked this all up,” Archie cries and Finn doesn’t know what to do so he just pats him on the back. “She thinks you’re gay,” he says, “and I didn’t say anythin’ I promise. So see? I’m only _half_ a crap friend” he hears a muffled laugh over his shoulder, “no you’re not” Archie sniffles as he moves out of Finn’s embrace. “I should go talk to Rae.” Finn tries not to let a sigh of relief out because he knows that what Archie has to do is not easy, and that Rae may not take it well and that just because they break up, doesn’t mean she’s going to run right to into Finn’s very open and very willing arms.

But it’s a start.

 

***

_Need the Sun to Break_

_I'm halfway gone, sleepless I'm battle-worn_  
_You're all I want, so bring me the dawn_

_I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart_  
_I'm shaking, all my luck could change_  
_Been in the dark for weeks and I've realized you're all I need_  
_And I hope that I'm not too late,_  
_I hope I'm not too late_

_Back of the room, how come my friends already know you?_  
_I feel like a kid, too shy to speak up so I keep it hid_  
_Oh butterflies, you steal my sleep each night_

_I need the sun to break, you've woken up my heart_  
_I'm shaking, all my luck could change_  
_Been in the dark for weeks and I've realized you're all I need_  
_And I hope I'm not too late_  


**Author's Note:**

> Title: Need the Sun to Break / James Bay (2015)
> 
> (This song could have been written for Finn Nelson!)


End file.
